You're Only As Old As You Feel

Let it be noted that injuring one's knee while attempting to exercise and turning 35 years of age should never be accomplished within the same week. These combined events have a rather poignant way of making a person feel quite old and pathetic. While I sat on the couch, icing my swollen and throbbing knee, it occurred to me that Jillian Michaels may have more than one way up her sleeve to make a girl feel like the world's biggest loser.

As I limp forward toward the dawn of my 35th year, I'm beginning to see the wisdom in coming to grips with my creeping seniority. I think I may just go all in - rustle me up a cane, a nice pair of orthopedic shoes, and start going by the name "Betty." My husband's been telling me for years that I need hearing aides, and I think now may be the time to take the plunge. As my children claim my hairstyle harkens straight out of the 1980's, I figure I don't need to change much on that front. Maybe just a nice perm a few times a year and I oughta be set. Heck, I already use Polident to clean my mouth guard, and I faithfully play cards each and every Saturday night. Yes ma'am, I do believe I'm halfway to the nursing home already!

There is an upside. As I have the tendency to do and/or say some stunningly brainless things from time to time, I can now console myself with the knowledge that these "episodes" can be appropriately termed "senior moments" from here on out. That should help alleviate quite a few awkward situations.

All in all, I think we're rather well-suited, the geriatric life and I. All I've ever really wanted in life is a well-weathered rocking chair and a decent cup of coffee after all. I might even decide to embrace my grey. Yes, bring on the granny panties and the full-coverage bras, my friends, I am ready!

I may not have your abs of steel, Ms. Jillian Michaels, but you can bet your bikini bottoms that I am ROCKIN' these polyester pants, young lady!

Here's to my golden years!